For centuries Shade had felt nothing. Feelings
were part of a reactive process. When things happened to you, you responded by
feeling something. So when nothing happened to you for almost 200 years, you
didn't feel anything. They say that time heals all wounds. When you have had
centuries of time, not even your memories stirred a reaction anymore.
He missed that about himself. Feelings.
Today was different. Today he had a chance to change things. So for a brief moment, for the first time in centuries, in honor of today, he forced himself to feel something that vaguely resembled hope. He used to be an optimist after all.
It didn't work very well. At least he tried.
There was a little girl playing in the yard. She was 5 years old. She had big, beautiful, intelligent blue eyes. She had dark red hair, which was long and curled into ringlets at the ends. She was wearing a purple sundress and chasing bugs. Butterflies. Typical for a five year old girl.
She was cute.
He would have liked to have had a daughter.
When he was alive, Shade had tried not to think about having kids. It had made him anxious. That was ironic because now that he was dead he thought about it a lot. If he had married Rosellin they would have had daughters. And his daughters would have had children, and by now there may have even been great-grandchildren, and they would have been happy, and he would be an old man, in his golden years, closing in on the end of his life with the contented feeling of a job well done.
And he wouldn't be here. And this little girls mother wouldn’t have to die today.
The little girl wandered over to where he was standing and held out a fist to look at her catch, an unfortunate butterfly. He glanced at it. She glanced up at him briefly, studying his face, then scampered off cradling the mangled thing in her hands. His dead heart sank a little.
If she could see him, then that meant she didn't have much time left in this life either.
He missed that about himself. Feelings.
Today was different. Today he had a chance to change things. So for a brief moment, for the first time in centuries, in honor of today, he forced himself to feel something that vaguely resembled hope. He used to be an optimist after all.
It didn't work very well. At least he tried.
There was a little girl playing in the yard. She was 5 years old. She had big, beautiful, intelligent blue eyes. She had dark red hair, which was long and curled into ringlets at the ends. She was wearing a purple sundress and chasing bugs. Butterflies. Typical for a five year old girl.
She was cute.
He would have liked to have had a daughter.
When he was alive, Shade had tried not to think about having kids. It had made him anxious. That was ironic because now that he was dead he thought about it a lot. If he had married Rosellin they would have had daughters. And his daughters would have had children, and by now there may have even been great-grandchildren, and they would have been happy, and he would be an old man, in his golden years, closing in on the end of his life with the contented feeling of a job well done.
And he wouldn't be here. And this little girls mother wouldn’t have to die today.
The little girl wandered over to where he was standing and held out a fist to look at her catch, an unfortunate butterfly. He glanced at it. She glanced up at him briefly, studying his face, then scampered off cradling the mangled thing in her hands. His dead heart sank a little.
If she could see him, then that meant she didn't have much time left in this life either.
After centuries of living detached from life,
you tuned it out. It was like when you stare at a page for too long- it becomes
blurry, and unfocussed. When you listen to the same annoying sound, over and
over, eventually it fades and gets far away. This happens to the living, but it
is a lighter condition- you are never too far from reality and it is always
easy to come back. Being alive tethers you there. After centuries, Shade was so
deeply withdrawn from everything that it was all just shadows and blurs.
It was like resurfacing from the deepest part of the ocean. It was hard to come up from such silent and indistinguishable depths. He had to force himself back into reality, just for a few minutes. Just long enough to speak with the girl’s mother. Then he would slip away again soon.
But then the little girl wandered over…. she looked at him. He realized with a sinking feeling that the little girl could see him. He watched, horrified as she scampered towards the house to where her mother was. He couldn’t watch this happen. If she could see him, then he could stop her. He followed. "Wait!" He called. "What's that you have?"
The little girl turned around and glanced at him and then looked back at her butterfly. "A bug." she answered.
He caught up with her and put on a smile, kneeling down to her level "How interesting! Look at those wings." She smiled, glad that he approved of it. "Come on, let's go catch more bugs!" he said.
"Ok!" her eyes brightened as she realized she had found a playmate. She tried taking his hand but he ran ahead of her, not letting her touch him. He couldn’t let her realize that he was a ghost. He led her back out to the yard, which was really just a clearing of grass surrounded by forest.
He led her towards the trees. “Oooh look at this one!” he said, pointing at a leaf. She ran over to it. It was green with transparent wings and long antennae. “It’s a lacewing.” He added, hoping to keep her attention.
“Wow” she whispered, trying to catch it, but it fluttered away, towards the house. She started to follow it.
He shot a worried glance back towards the house “Better let it be free.” he called. She barely looked back at him. He panicked “I think I see another one over here!” he looked around desperately for something to hold her attention, finding nothing. Then she came running back, holding out her hand.
“Look!” she called happily. As she opened her hands, the lacewing fluttered out, and through him. Instead of the terror he thought she’d express, she laughed. “Are you invisible?” she asked.
It was like resurfacing from the deepest part of the ocean. It was hard to come up from such silent and indistinguishable depths. He had to force himself back into reality, just for a few minutes. Just long enough to speak with the girl’s mother. Then he would slip away again soon.
But then the little girl wandered over…. she looked at him. He realized with a sinking feeling that the little girl could see him. He watched, horrified as she scampered towards the house to where her mother was. He couldn’t watch this happen. If she could see him, then he could stop her. He followed. "Wait!" He called. "What's that you have?"
The little girl turned around and glanced at him and then looked back at her butterfly. "A bug." she answered.
He caught up with her and put on a smile, kneeling down to her level "How interesting! Look at those wings." She smiled, glad that he approved of it. "Come on, let's go catch more bugs!" he said.
"Ok!" her eyes brightened as she realized she had found a playmate. She tried taking his hand but he ran ahead of her, not letting her touch him. He couldn’t let her realize that he was a ghost. He led her back out to the yard, which was really just a clearing of grass surrounded by forest.
He led her towards the trees. “Oooh look at this one!” he said, pointing at a leaf. She ran over to it. It was green with transparent wings and long antennae. “It’s a lacewing.” He added, hoping to keep her attention.
“Wow” she whispered, trying to catch it, but it fluttered away, towards the house. She started to follow it.
He shot a worried glance back towards the house “Better let it be free.” he called. She barely looked back at him. He panicked “I think I see another one over here!” he looked around desperately for something to hold her attention, finding nothing. Then she came running back, holding out her hand.
“Look!” she called happily. As she opened her hands, the lacewing fluttered out, and through him. Instead of the terror he thought she’d express, she laughed. “Are you invisible?” she asked.
“What’s your name?” she asked
“Shade.” He responded. “What’s yours?”
"Rhiannon." she replied. Before he could say anything else he felt the woman in the house die. He grimaced. “What’s wrong?” she asked.
What am I supposed to tell a five year old?? He floundered. And she was really smart. He couldn’t lie to her, and she would find out soon anyway. “I think… uhh. I think someone bad just went into your house. We should hide.”
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